Growing up in purity culture, especially as a queer person, can leave deep scars on your sense of self. If you’ve felt guilt, shame, or confusion about your sexuality, please know you’re not alone. What would you say if I told you it is entirely possible to break free from these harmful beliefs and reclaim your sexual freedom? Or, maybe claim it for the first time?
If you grew up in purity culture, it probably made it hard to embrace your sexuality. If you are part of the LGBTQIA+ community, that was likely even harder. Purity culture teaches that sexual expression is something to be ashamed of, which then can lead to feelings of guilt and to sexual repression well into your adult life. If you’ve been struggling to reclaim your sexual freedom, know that you’re not alone. Let’s explore some ways you can heal and move forward.
What is Purity Culture?
Purity culture is the belief that sexual purity, gender roles, and performance (which is typically obligation based) are required for happiness and fulfillment. Most of those beliefs are linked back directly to high-demand religions. . Purity culture typically emphasizes abstinence until marriage and enforces strict gender roles where women are expected to submit and men are expected to lead. For those in the queer community, this way of thinking can feel especially damaging because it often invalidates your identity (how does it fit if you DON’T have a man and a woman in the relationship, or not just one mane and one woman, or both are binary, or no one takes on traditional gendered roles, etc) and encourages shame around your sexual orientation or identity.
Breaking free from these restrictive and oppressive ideas takes time, but it’s possible to reclaim your sexuality and live in a way that feels true to who YOU are, not who others want you to be.
The Impact of Purity Culture on Queer People
If you grew up in purity culture, you may have learned to see your body and what you desire as something to be controlled or hidden (or ashamed of). For LGBTQIA+ people, this experience can often be intensified by religious guilt. You might feel like you're betraying the things you were raised to obey when you embrace and start to live into who you are (your inherent queerness). But you need to remember: your identity is valid, and your sexuality is a natural part of that identity. And no one gets to decide what that is besides YOU.
The emotional healing process involves understanding that the shame you've felt was never yours to carry. If you want to reclaim your sexual freedom, that means you first have to let go of that shame and give yourself permission to explore your desires in a safe, consensual manner.
Steps to Reclaim Your Sexuality
1. Acknowledge the Effects of Purity Culture
Nothing heals in secret, so the first step to reclaiming your sexuality has to be recognizing that purity culture has affected you. Take some time to think about the beliefs you were taught. How have they shaped how you think about sex? Identifying as queer? What do you think about those who are transgender? What about sex and duty? Gender roles? Use a journal, voice notes, sit down with a friend and chat about it, talk to your therapist…whatever it takes to start to identify Understanding how these influences impacted you can help you start breaking free from that shame.
2. Practice Self-Acceptance
Self-acceptance is one of the keys to healing from purity culture. That means embracing all of the different parts of who you are. That includes your sexual orientation and your desires. You deserve to feel proud of who you are. You deserve to feel freedom as a queer person. What would happen if you tried to surround yourself with affirming messages and people who celebrate and encourage you & your identity? When that energy is around you regularly, over time it can help you let go of the negative beliefs that purity culture enforced on you.
3. Seek LGBTQIA+ Sexual Empowerment Resources
There are many resources available to help you on your journey of sexual empowerment. LGBTQIA+ therapists (like this blog writer), books, online resources, and support groups can provide guidance as you explore what sexuality means to you outside of the purity culture framework. These resources can help you build a healthier relationship with your body and your desires. In fact, sometimes OTHERS can be a great resource too, so if you have found great podcasts, YouTube channels, books, etc go ahead and leave a comment on this post so others can check them out too!
4. Overcome Religious Guilt
Overcoming religious guilt is another important step forward in reclaiming your confidence in your sexuality. You might feel like you’re doing something wrong by exploring your desires in the area of sexuality, especially if religious teachings from your past still sit heavy on your mind. Therapy with someone experienced in purity culture recovery can be incredibly helpful. This type of therapist can help you challenge those old beliefs and then replace them with a more accepting, happier and compassionate view of yourself.
5. Take Small, Empowering Steps
Reclaiming your sexuality isn’t going to happen overnight. It’s okay to take steps as small as you need them to be in order to make you feel comfortable. That might mean exploring physical intimacy with a partner or learning to appreciate your own body’s needs and turn ons, every step counts. You may find you need to give yourself permission to go at your own pace. The main goal is to build a sense of sexual freedom that feels empowering and safe for you.
You Are Not Alone in This Journey
Remember, you deserve to reclaim your sexuality at your own pace, free from guilt or shame. If this post resonated with you, I invite you to share your thoughts or experiences in the comments below. Your story might just help someone else feel seen and understood.
For more resources on healing from purity culture, subscribe to the Ask A Therapist YouTube channel. There, we explore topics just like this one—and the comment section has become a safe space where others like you are sharing their journeys.
Let’s heal together. What’s one small step you’re ready to take today toward reclaiming your sexual freedom? Drop a comment and let’s support one another on this path of self-acceptance and empowerment.
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